Tips for Working with Parents Reluctant to Move to Assisted Living

By Rick Banas, Vice President of Strategic Marketing

The son and daughter-in-law pulled up to the entrance of the assisted living community 35 miles west of Pittsburgh in a pick-up truck. They had Dad packed into the front passenger seat and his furniture and personal belongings back in the bed of the truck. They desperately wanted Dad out of their house and in assisted living for his as well as their benefit.

Dad, however, did not want any part of assisted living. He didn’t agree when the son and daughter-in- law first inquired, and he certainly didn’t agree when they reserved an apartment for him. He was not getting out of the truck – no way, no how – let alone sign any paperwork and move into the assisted living apartment.

During the many years that I have been involved in senior living, I have often been asked by very well meaning family members for advice on how to convince Mom and/or Dad to make the move to a senior living or assisted living community. Here are Three Tips that hopefully can be beneficial.

No Weak Links

Often, the family members who live in the immediate area are the ones convinced that a parent needs to move to assisted living. But the family member that lives the furthest away, say a four hour plane ride, keeps telling Mom that she shouldn’t listen to his sisters. “Mom,” he tells her by phone, “there is no reason to move – certainly not to one of those places.”

These are just the words a Mom who is in denial or who is apprehensive about change wants to hear. She is much more likely to place more stock in the son who is telling her that she doesn’t need to move than she is in the daughters who are suggesting a change.

The odds of convincing a parent to make the move are much greater if all family members are on the same page.

Role Reversal

Also often, family members will say that there are leaving the decision to move entirely up to Dad. They simply want to provide him with information about his options. They certainly do not intend to put any pressure on Dad to make a move.

My response to families is that this approach may not be much different than leaving the decision about going to the drinking party at a friend’s house on Friday night completely up to the 16-year-old.

If Dad truly has a need – he is not eating properly, is not taking his medication properly, is not getting the socialization he needs – family members may need to assume the role of parent and tell Dad what he needs to do.

Rely on Others

I know that I just suggested that the adult children may need to assume the role of the parent. While it works in some cases, in others the parent is not about to listen to the child. But often they will listen to someone else that they trust. It may be a friend, neighbor, minister or grandchild.

Several years ago now, a group of second graders came to visit one of the affordable assisted living communities that we manage. She went home and told her grandmother that she found a great place for her to live. Shortly afterward, grandma moved into the community.

None of these suggestions involve driving Dad and his belongings to an assisted living community and hoping – or praying – that he will get out of the car or truck. Thankfully, no one – except maybe a judge – can force someone to make the move.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment and let us know.